Put a Key on It

If you like it, then you should have put a ring on it! That’s the stern command that has become an anthem for all the single ladies everywhere. But I beg to differ. If you like it then you should have given a key. That’s how I roll. I’m not ready for the ring on it but I’ve dabbled in the put a key on it arena. And there seem to be some misnomers out there. Allow me the honour of providing this PSA on Put A Key on It Etiquette.

A key doesn’t mean you can come over whenever you want after work or during the day when I’m not there. Key of convenience or key to the heart. Everyone has a cell phone. A quick heads up to let me know you’re coming over will allow me to wipe of my facial hair remover cream and close the door to the bathroom when I’m “making a deposit.” While I probably won’t put on a bra or shave my legs. I promise you I will he moustashe-free and there will be no potatoe-chip residue on my face ( well at least when you first get here).

There are two types of keys you can give or receive: a key of convenience or a key to the heart.

A key of convenience is a key given at any point during the relationship. It’s a “Here’s a key” kind of thing. No long prologue. No declaration of what the key receiver means to you, no vague far off plans of sharing bathroom shelf space or drawer real estate. It’s just a key so you can feed the cat; so you can come in late without making me get up and let you in; so you can sleep in while I trot off to work. It’s a key of convenience. A key of convenience is like a library book; it need not be returned right away but you should always ask for a renewal: not keep the key forever and secretly come over without warning or invitation. That is NOT good key of convenience etiquette. You also should not invite people over without asking. That is also not good key of convenience etiquette.

A key to the heart is different. Given after too many nights being shuffled out of the bed early to accommodate the early worker and too many missed late night rendezvous due to lack of key difficulties; the key to the heart is a step towards something more. It usually involves some kind of affectionate exchange. Some sort of inkling that the relationship seems to have a future beyond next weekend.

Sometimes a key of convenience can turn into a key to the heart. Sometimes a key to the heart can revert to a key of convenience. This is usually when the relationship is snowballing down from a potential future to a certain death.

But it is very bad key to the heart or key of convenience etiquette to keep a key longer than the relationship. Always return the key. I repeat Always return the key. Especially if it’s a girl’s key. It’s really creepy to hear someone fiddling with your locks when you’re huddled under the covers after watching back-to-back episodes of Law and Order SVU. Are you really conceited enough to think that you are the only person I would ever want to give key to? Or do you think I’m some hussy that just gives out keys to every man I meet?

It doesn’t need to be a big production. Just return the key. In the mailbox. Under the matt. A quick email setting up a drop off time. It’s not that difficult, but the more time that passes the more awkward it gets.

Just. Return. The. Key.

The Art of Couple Walking

Okay maybe this is a mute point for you you old married types, but when you are dating someone or getting to know someone or whatever, finding the right couple walk is a a very slippery slope. There are many things to account for  the size of both practitioners, where you are walking ( a couple walk in the park could be very different from a couple walk on a busy downtown street), the speed with which you both walk.... 

 

It's complicated Business and sometimes if you pull yourself out of an awkward couple walk it can send the wrong message to your new and timid couple walking partner.  While you may just mean the break in union as a chance to see the new window display at She She Bags, he may take it as a silent reprimand against his claustrophobic clutch around your shoulders. 

So please men, take this a guide to what your subconscious declaration of your property or your innocuous display of affection can mean to women and how it can affect the all important factors of trying to keeping our bags on our shoulders or our jackets from falling down or our necks from developing serious kinks in an attempt to let you seem taller and shrinking into your arms. Women, please take this as a sign.  You are not alone.  You aren't the only one who finds these situations awkward and unreadable.  And if you have never gave this kind of thing a second thought: remember: I don't have a job right now! 

There is no walk more annoying than the backpocket jeans double walk.  Like why don't we just tie our ankles together and enter a potato sack race at the local Smith Family Reunion? Ugh! First of all, jeans fall down, easily. They fall down all the more easily when there is a hand in your pocket dragging them down. I'm all for a free feel in public, but please just give it a quick squeeze and then carry on to the destination.  Once at home, we can squeeze whatever until your hearts content, but walking like this makes me feel like a conjoined twin and the two arms always get smashed together and then on top of that you have to keep your steps in time.  It's weird.  I think after like grade 7, this type of walking needs to be outlawed except maybe if you're in a field of daisies or like maybe if you have had a big fight and are walking on the beach after making up.  Those are the only two circumstances, though!
I'm all for the arm over the shoulder walk.  It's cute.  It's comfortable.  There are a few issues though.  Like your bag. You can't really hold your bag on your shoulder in this couple walk. It'll fall down if it's any bigger than a notebook.  So then you have to hold your bag down at your side, which I find so annoying.  The bag loses its cuteness when its way down by your legs. Plus it's way easier for your bag to get snatched if it is down at your side instead of on your shoulder.  Also this walk is so cute and comfy but it does take up a lot of sidewalk space. Like if you are downtown, be prepared for  people to bump into you and give you angry looks because you are walking slow and taking up all the space. 
This is a variation of the arm over shoulder walk a.k.a the hug walk.  It's okay, I guess.   I feel like it's  such a drunk walk. Like the girl can't stand up so she's hanging off the guy to stumble into the car. It is definitely a very helpful walk when you are drunk, but when you're not.... not so much.  My arms are short, sometimes I can't reach that far around the guy and then it's like where should my hand go.... Backpocket? NO! This photo also illustrates the dangers of couplewalking when both practitioners are about the same height. She won't be able to lean into him for long or she'll get a huge hump on her back or a kink in her neck. 
I like the arm in arm walk.  It's comfy.  You don't have to be the same height or walk in time or anything.  Although I guess it looks a little formal but whatevs. I feel like this is a drunk walk also. More like a happy drunk walk before you have to be helped to the car at the end of the night. Although the more I think of it, it's not exactly a walking downtown walk.  It's more of a here I am making my entrance to the debutante ball walk.  Maybe that's why I like it so much. 
Oh hand-holding.  You are so cute.  You are so normal. Sure maybe a bit grade school but it's good nonetheless. It's cute for anyone from kids to grandparents. It lets people be different heights; walk at different speeds; not get in the way of people trying to get by downtown (unless you're one of those couples that makes people walk around you so you won't have to let go of your hands for even a few seconds and in that case.... you're lame). 

 Yes hand-holding, you are my favorite.  An oldie but a goodie. But that's just me. And every couple walking partnership is different.  So who knows what will happen next? 

Vacation Coma...

I don't think I really understand how people have vacations properly.  Okay maybe I get it when you go off with your friends, family or loved ones and then you come back to reality and you share inside jokes about funny things that happened and random homeless people you met on random drunk nights.  

But I don't get it when you go off on your own and meet such cool people everywhere and have so much fun and then come back and no one knows what you are talking about and you have no job so you just kind of sit at home and surf the Internet and hang with your cat and think about what happened just two short weeks ago. 

It was fun. Yes.  That has been established.  But what now? Where now?  I mean I'm back from vacation but I'm not really back. I'm not at work. Not going out.  Barely talking on the phone.  I don't feel like myself. I feel like someone watching my old self.  It is really weird and I can't tell if it's the result of some big shift in my personality or just I am really bored and at wits end so I am making all this up in my head. 

I mean I've been sick.  And that has put a damper on things.  And I turned the big 3-0. But I'm not sure that is what it is.  As much as I try to surf for work and work on my writing I find myself browsing Expedia and TravelZoo.ca looking at cheap flights and daydreamingly planning trips. 

Obviously, this is not a good time to go anywhere.  My Dad is in India and I'm not sure if you've heard, but there's this thing called the economy and it's in the shiter and that means I should try and not live on credit and get a job. 

But I can't stop my daydreaming!

Um... Like You Should Be a Writer or Something!

Wow! What a novel idea! OMG NOBODY has ever suggested that to me! Actually all my life I’ve wanted to be a secretary. I used to write next to my goals in grade school right next to wanting to be a princess and wanting to be the head coach of the Canucks.
Hey buddy, here’s an interesting idea how about you take your preconceived notions about what makes someone a writer and shove it! It’s not the 1980s anymore. People aren’t defined by what they do from 9-5 pm. I’m a sister 24 hours a day and nobody ever calls me that ( well except of course for my sister).

A job is a job. And I shouldn’t be judged on whether I seem too smart for the job or what my motivations are for the job. I should be judged on whether I can do the job. And you know what? I can. It’s not brain surgery. Don’t try to cram everything you learned in your three-week Human Resources workshop into a series of juggling acts for a basic admin job. Get over yourself. It’s not that hard.

Humpfh!!!!

30s the new 20, yo, I’m so hot STILL!!!

I don’t know why I always hated my birthday when I was younger. Actually I do, but that’s a story that involves a trip to the Shrink’s couch and some 2-ply tissue. I want to talk about fun stuff today.

I think maybe when I was about 28 I started being like OMFG my birthday’s coming! Where are you taking me? What nice things are you going to say to me? What are you getting me? Not out loud of course, that would be rude and presumptuous. But I love the idea of people taking you places and being extra nice to you and you know loving you long time.

This year I will be all by myself on my real birthday. Away from my friends and family and my cat. But I don’t know. It doesn’t exactly sound scary to me. It sounds exciting; adventurous. Maybe I’ll be travelling across the world’s biggest waterfall on my birthday. Maybe I’ll be at a boca juniors football game on my birthday. Maybe I’ll be tangoing on the cobble streets of Buenos Aires on my Birthday. Maybe I’ll be getting spa treatments and getting shitfaced in the hotel bar on my birthday. I don’t know exactly what I’ll be doing but I’m sure it will be fun.

And then when I get back I hope to celebrate over and over again with everyone I know and love.

Traiga en el 30s sucio!!!

Barack the Future

Every time the American election rolls around we get sucked in. It’s easy to see why. The campaigns are louder, flashier, and sexier. But for the last eight years and the bells and whistles have been for naught. In 2000 it was all for naught over 543 votes. Not to get all slogan-y and cheesy but I think a change might be coming this time.

Barack Obama is one of the most eloquent speakers I have ever heard. I have a feeling that if he wins the election, he will go down as one of the most influential leaders of our time. Although I really loved Hilary Clinton and think that she would have made an excellent president she definitely did Not have the same star quality/ everyman mentality of Obama. Obama is like the guy next door but also very enigmatic. The only other president who comes to mind with the same quality is JFK.

What has really set Obama apart is his ability to stir the masses. His huge rallies have attracted 100s of 1000s of supporters and his ability to cater to both the rich company owners that donate to his campaign and the everyday people that would be the most impacted by his policies.

“You got these $10,000-a-plate dinners and Golden Circles Clubs. I think when the average voter looks at that, they rightly feel they're locked out of the process. They can't attend a $10,000 breakfast and they know that those who can are going to get the kind of access they can't imagine.”

He’s got the uber-rich so stirred by his policies and the prospect of change that they don’t realize or maybe don’t even care that they will be paying 20% more in taxes annually under Obama’s leadership. The fact that he is half-black, that he can actually speak (unlike the last Democratic candidate John Kerry), and that he is young and full of idea has really galvanized his position not only in America but across the world. But even he seems all the hoopla as extreme. He is just a man not some “MAVERICK” who is going to change America’s image around the world in 6 months ( sorry, Joe Bidden. I am actually NOT hoping for a crisis in the first 6 months of 2009, thank you!). He will have problems getting his bills passed just like every president.

“It's crucial that people don't see my election as somehow a symbol of progress in the broader sense, that we don't sort of point to (me) any more than you point to a Bill Cosby or a Michael Jordan and say, "Well, things are hunky-dory." There's certainly racism here. Professors may treat black students differently, sometimes by being, sort of, more dismissive, sometimes by being more, sort of, careful because they think, you know, they think that somehow we can't cope in the classroom.”

Barack is something everyone can swallow. He’s black, but not full-black. He’s against the war but supports the troops and the Iraqi people. He is rich and has rich friends and supports the free market but he wants to look after the impoverished.

“How does America find its way in this new, global economy? What will our place in history be? Like so much of the American story, once again, we face a choice. Once again, there are those who believe that there isn’t much we can do about this as a nation. That the best idea is to give everyone one big refund on their government—divvy it up by individual portions, in the form of tax breaks, hand it out, and encourage everyone to use their share to go buy their own health care, their own retirement plan, their own child care, their own education, and so on. In Washington, they call this the Ownership Society. But in our past there has been another term for it—Social Darwinism—every man or woman for him or herself. It’s a tempting idea, because it doesn’t require much thought or ingenuity. It allows us to say that those whose health care or tuition may rise faster than they can afford—tough luck. It allows us to say to the Maytag workers who have lost their job—life isn’t fair. It let’s us say to the child who was born into poverty—pull yourself up by your bootstraps. And it is especially tempting because each of us believes we will always be the winner in life’s lottery, that we’re the one who will be the next Donald Trump, or at least we won’t be the chump who Donald Trump says: “You’re fired!” But there is a problem. It won’t work. It ignores our history. It ignores the fact that it’s been government research and investment that made the railways possible and the internet possible. It’s been the creation of a massive middle class, through decent wages and benefits and public schools that allowed us all to prosper. Our economic dependence depended on individual initiative. It depended on a belief in the free market; but it has also depended on our sense of mutual regard for each other, the idea that everybody has a stake in the country, that we’re all in it together and everybody’s got a shot at opportunity. That’s what’s produced our unrivaled political stability.”

His opponents claim he is too idealistic and too inexperienced. That is definitely a valid point. But I believe his convictions and his ideas save him. He doesn’t have much experience in Washington and maybe that’s what America needs. Someone who has actually lived in America and understands its problems as a citizen and not a politician.

“Nobody really thinks that Bush or McCain have a real answer for the challenges we face. So what they are going to try to do is make you scared of me. You know he--oh, he's not patriotic enough. He's got a funny name. You know, he doesn't look like all of those other presidents on those dollar bills.”

I really hope America makes the right decision!

Skinny jean Dreams Do come True... in Record Format....

Have you ever seen a pair of jeans that you just MUST have? They are so cute, so soft, so cheap, so perfect except for one thing: they don't quite fit, YET. As soon as I start getting back into my gym schedule again, they will fit, you rationalize. The next three months will be a no potato chips zone you promise. So you go ahead, all in all it is a good deal. These jeans won't be on sale when you actually fit them. So you're saving yourself money in the long run, right?

It all sounds perfectly rational EXCEPT when you get home and realize you have a whole closet of "One-Day" clothes. Every morning when you look over your wardrobe of clothes not yet ready for public consumption you sink lower and lower into a hole of depravity and the first thing you want to do is reach for a bag of Old Dutch Ketchup chips.

So instead of faltering into a sea of ketchup-stained excess you hide those "one-Day" clothes away so you are not confronted with everything you are Not every time you open the wardrobe in the morning. Every once in a while when you are looking for a screwdriver or you randomly get an urge to polish furniture they pop out of their hiding place. The red pumps that are one and a half sizes to small but still so cute!!! The hot pink jeans that will make you look like a high-class Fergie when you can finally manage to get the last button done up.

Usually this type of shopping is a bit like throwing money into a black hole, but on the rare occasions that it actually works out, you feel like the frog prince. You get a surprise bunch of new clothes that you didn't ask for or remember for free. What could be better.

I started taking the same One Day approach to records when I was about 14 years old and saw a DJ spinning for the first time. He was everything I was not at the time: cool, calm, hot, mysterious. But "One Day," I would be. And it all started with records. I remember going into Boom Town Records as a bored teenager and giggling with my pubescent friends over who was the hottest cashier. We pool our money and spend hours pouring over records and sometimes even bravely asking for some help. The tiny fact that I didn't have a record player, didn't mean much at the time. The covers were cool and "One Day" I would have one, and it would be awesome!

I was often scoffed for my predilection towards vinyl. I may not have had a player yet but I still knew a deal when I saw when and I knew a classic album when I saw it in a sale bin for $0.99.
Finally, this Christmas after 13 years of scouring record bins and scooping up free records off dirty sidewalks, my skinny jean dreams of a record player have come true. And it is glorious.

Yesterday I listened to the Dirty Dancing Soundtrack like three times. And then I played a little RedMan and then two Happy Days Albums. Sure I had to keep turning the record over a\every thirty minutes or so and some times the music sounds like it is two chipmunks singing on speed but it's definitely worth it.

My One Day dreams of a record player are now a reality. Now about those skinny jeans.......

We're All Misunderstood......

Let me preface this entry with, I know. I know I think too much about random things that most people just gloss over. So be it.

Working at a university, you get a real sense of searching. Everyone is looking for that chance, that opportunity to define themselves or to meet that person that makes everything all of a sudden make sense.

Well, I posit that nothing ever makes sense completely. As much as we all look for something to join , someone to connect with we are all ultimately alon ein our feelings and no one will completely understand them ever; probably not even you.

Take for example when something happens to you and someone else. Something that connects you forever and binds you together over a shared, intimate experience. Even though you feel close and feel connected you are not really. YOur feeling are yours alone and no matter how eloquent or how chatty you may be you will never be able to fully comvey everything you mean to anyone.

Every truth you share is filtered by the listeners' experiences and the listeners' preconceived notions on what you should be sharing.

Have you ever been in that situation where you feel like you are saying you want somespace and the listener hears that you want to move in together?

Truth is a relative term and something that can never be fully shared.

When you Don't care it happens.....

Isn't weird how life works? Whoeever created the adage "Practise makes Perfect" was sure off base. I find I do better when I don't care. When I am just going through the motions. Like an interview that was casually shrugged off as a 'practise' one or the boy on the side who is just 'warming your bed'; or the random hook-up during which you were preoccupied by what was going to happen on the next O.C. re-run that you barely realized that the Big O was on its way.

Here's to Apathy!!!

R.I.P. Kurt Cobain, your short life has kept me from becoming a major stress case.

Better the Second Time Around

You know what's weird? One of my biggest pet peeves is people who repeat themselves. I hate it and usually zone out. But some repeats I like. I like eating things again and again (potatoe chips anyone?, bacon sandwiches for the entire grade 3 school year anyone? or what about mike's hard lemonade). I Like watching teen reality tv shows over and over again to pick up the subtle thems and moments of film noir and comedy dellarte that would otherwise be glossed over in the exuberance of the whole "DAMN... Oh no she didn't" mentality.

But what I like more than any of that, what I like more than staring at myself in the mirror and eating potatoe chips and watching teen tv shows combined, is finding out what people who I have lost touch with are doing. Is that like repating myself? I feel like it is. Because that person is out of my life, and I for sure don't want him back in my life, but i swear i spend about an hour a day wondering and internet searching and casual name-dropping to mutual aquaintenances to find the dirt.

I guess it's not so much repeating myself as being like a voyeur. A cyber voyeur, if you will. And it can become all-consuming.
You see recently I got a hold of some photos of an old flame completely by chance. And not I am constantly salivating and scouring the Net trying to find more dirt and emailing and messaging mutual aquaintenances. Now one reason, is of course, because on paper my life sounds so much better than his.

Not married, okay fine, i'll give you that one. But I do have my own place that is cool and not a dump. I do have cute hair (that needs a little work, but on the whole it's looking cute when I put the effort in). I have this whole I'm a writer working on my first teen novel thing going.... It's really working for me!!

So now in a effort to combat my PerezHilton addiction, I've taken to scouring the World Wide Web to find my long lost companions and decide for myself if they are better or worse than when we were together. Is that terrible? I kind of think it is!! But that's the beauty of being a cyber voyeur.... No one knows you are watching them.....