Once a cheater, always a cheater.....

If there’s one thing I hate ( and belive me, there are actually many, many things I hate, it’s when someone creates a quip or a saying that isn’t really true but gains popularity because of it’s punch or cuteness. Like “let sleeping dogs lie” Why do you have to let a sleeping dog lie? What if it’s sleeping in the street? Supposedly you are not supposed to wake alseeping dog because it might bite you but dogs are cute when they are waking up not vicious unless it’s like some rabid animal to begin with and then why are you around it anyways?

Or what about the saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea?” So does make me some kind of ocean predator? I should dump my so-so boyfriend because there are plenty of other fish in the sea? Well what if I don’t want a guppy or a minnow? What if I have like a west coast salmon and I want to know what other salmon are in the ocean? If the news and state of the environment are telling us anything it’s that there are not that many salmon in the sea. Stick with your slightly dwarfed salmon or risk having to settle for a tadpole as your date for the next 10 Saturday nights!

I could go on and on about this. Don’t even get me started on the phrase “at the drop of a hat?” You might as well say whenever mood strikes you. Nobody really wears hats and if they drop it they are certianly in no hurry to pick it up off the ground and put it back on their head. Floors are dirty! Hats are where our hair is… See, where I’m going with this?

But the whole reason I thought to write this rant, was because I herad the phrase “once a cheater, always a cheater”, on the radio. I thought arcaic thoughts like that went out with “the woman belongs in the kitchen.” Saying something like once a cheater always a cheater assumes that people never evolve and never learn anything from their previous relationships. That’s saying every partner is essentially the same person and you are basically re-acting every relationship with someone else over and over again.

The truth is some relationships are bad. Some relationships are good. Sometimes you or your partner do something stupid or mean or inconsiderate. And sometimes you don’t. You shouldn’t be branded with a Scarlet letter just because once you cheated on your ex when you were trying to dump him but didn’t have the guts. You shouldn’t be branded as a cheater because you met someone amazing when you happened to be dating someone not so amazing.

Cheating sucks definietly. It’s cowardly and shady and ultimately dangerous for both you and your partner. But there’s ususally a reason behind cheating and comes from two people, not just one cheater who will always be a cheater.

What about the type of person who always gets cheated on my her/his partner? How come there’s no catchy saying for the pushover that lets her man two-time her all the time and pretends to live in oblivion? Once a doormat, always a doormat? Does that work here?

I’m not a cheater and I never have been and I don’t think I ever will be. I’ve definitely been cheated on. It sucks and hurts not only your morale and your self-esteem but also your ability to trust. But it’s something you get through. It’s something that defines a part of you and you bring into your future relationships whether you are the cheater or the cheatee.

I guess I just find it kind of condescending that people throw out these little single ladies catch phrases like once a cheater always a cheater or there’s plenty of fish in the sea or like whatever is the chic lit catch phrase du jour. It totally minimizes the intelligence of single people and what we can learn from relationships. Relationships are complicated and messy and can’t be understood through bumper sticker slogan or colloquiums. Life is all about relationships and if you could compartmentalize them into these weird slogans then life would be very dull and generic.

I prefer to see relationships as indefinable. Some are easy, sure; some are hard. But like snowflakes each one is different with jagged and smooth surfaces. Each one can melt away in second or grow into something more substantial.

The Art of Couple Walking

Okay maybe this is a mute point for you you old married types, but when you are dating someone or getting to know someone or whatever, finding the right couple walk is a a very slippery slope. There are many things to account for  the size of both practitioners, where you are walking ( a couple walk in the park could be very different from a couple walk on a busy downtown street), the speed with which you both walk.... 

 

It's complicated Business and sometimes if you pull yourself out of an awkward couple walk it can send the wrong message to your new and timid couple walking partner.  While you may just mean the break in union as a chance to see the new window display at She She Bags, he may take it as a silent reprimand against his claustrophobic clutch around your shoulders. 

So please men, take this a guide to what your subconscious declaration of your property or your innocuous display of affection can mean to women and how it can affect the all important factors of trying to keeping our bags on our shoulders or our jackets from falling down or our necks from developing serious kinks in an attempt to let you seem taller and shrinking into your arms. Women, please take this as a sign.  You are not alone.  You aren't the only one who finds these situations awkward and unreadable.  And if you have never gave this kind of thing a second thought: remember: I don't have a job right now! 

There is no walk more annoying than the backpocket jeans double walk.  Like why don't we just tie our ankles together and enter a potato sack race at the local Smith Family Reunion? Ugh! First of all, jeans fall down, easily. They fall down all the more easily when there is a hand in your pocket dragging them down. I'm all for a free feel in public, but please just give it a quick squeeze and then carry on to the destination.  Once at home, we can squeeze whatever until your hearts content, but walking like this makes me feel like a conjoined twin and the two arms always get smashed together and then on top of that you have to keep your steps in time.  It's weird.  I think after like grade 7, this type of walking needs to be outlawed except maybe if you're in a field of daisies or like maybe if you have had a big fight and are walking on the beach after making up.  Those are the only two circumstances, though!
I'm all for the arm over the shoulder walk.  It's cute.  It's comfortable.  There are a few issues though.  Like your bag. You can't really hold your bag on your shoulder in this couple walk. It'll fall down if it's any bigger than a notebook.  So then you have to hold your bag down at your side, which I find so annoying.  The bag loses its cuteness when its way down by your legs. Plus it's way easier for your bag to get snatched if it is down at your side instead of on your shoulder.  Also this walk is so cute and comfy but it does take up a lot of sidewalk space. Like if you are downtown, be prepared for  people to bump into you and give you angry looks because you are walking slow and taking up all the space. 
This is a variation of the arm over shoulder walk a.k.a the hug walk.  It's okay, I guess.   I feel like it's  such a drunk walk. Like the girl can't stand up so she's hanging off the guy to stumble into the car. It is definitely a very helpful walk when you are drunk, but when you're not.... not so much.  My arms are short, sometimes I can't reach that far around the guy and then it's like where should my hand go.... Backpocket? NO! This photo also illustrates the dangers of couplewalking when both practitioners are about the same height. She won't be able to lean into him for long or she'll get a huge hump on her back or a kink in her neck. 
I like the arm in arm walk.  It's comfy.  You don't have to be the same height or walk in time or anything.  Although I guess it looks a little formal but whatevs. I feel like this is a drunk walk also. More like a happy drunk walk before you have to be helped to the car at the end of the night. Although the more I think of it, it's not exactly a walking downtown walk.  It's more of a here I am making my entrance to the debutante ball walk.  Maybe that's why I like it so much. 
Oh hand-holding.  You are so cute.  You are so normal. Sure maybe a bit grade school but it's good nonetheless. It's cute for anyone from kids to grandparents. It lets people be different heights; walk at different speeds; not get in the way of people trying to get by downtown (unless you're one of those couples that makes people walk around you so you won't have to let go of your hands for even a few seconds and in that case.... you're lame). 

 Yes hand-holding, you are my favorite.  An oldie but a goodie. But that's just me. And every couple walking partnership is different.  So who knows what will happen next? 

Sometimes I hear you, Sometimes I don't

Okay, I feel like a self-absorbed tart saying this, but is there some kind of weird joke going on at our local Starbucks's? Is there some random drunk photo of me nabbed off facebook or flickr that has been posted in various coffeehouses with instructions for barristas to handle me with extra care and build me up with extraneous compliments?

I've been to Starbucks maybe like 6 times since I've been back ( I know, I know, a bit excessive considering I don't have a job, but whatevs... simple pleasures) and every time the barrista has given me some strange unwarranted compliment.  One guy called me beautiful, one guy said he loved my hair, one guy said i had a great smile. 

I was like OMFG is it that I am now this old maid that the young barristas feel they have to go out of their way to give me some random compliment for fear that I will go and fling myself off the nearest highrise with the remnants of a Grande non-fat sugar-free hazelnut extra hot latte clouding the crime scene and creating a PR nightmare for the Starbucks brass. 

I finally swallowed my apprehension over sounding like a) a conceited twat who wants everyone to know she once got six compliments in two weeks b) a hopelessly insecure dweeb who cannot even take a compliment easily c) a drone who cannot let a haphazard nicety go by without making into a total incident and asked my coffee cohort what she thought of this undeserved and unexpected occurrence. 

She said I was dumb.  She said that lots of people get random compliments from people; it's not like a marriage proposal or someone asking for your phone number. She said don't be dumb. She said I always get lots of compliments from strangers both at Starbucks and other places. She said you're being so dumb. She said I smile a lot and play with my hair. These are obvious things to compliment or make small talk about. She said I'm such a dummy. She says maybe in my old age my hearing is actually getting better and I am actually paying some attention to what's happening around me.  

She makes a lot of sense. But she calls me dumb a bit too much for my taste. 

30s the new 20, yo, I’m so hot STILL!!!

I don’t know why I always hated my birthday when I was younger. Actually I do, but that’s a story that involves a trip to the Shrink’s couch and some 2-ply tissue. I want to talk about fun stuff today.

I think maybe when I was about 28 I started being like OMFG my birthday’s coming! Where are you taking me? What nice things are you going to say to me? What are you getting me? Not out loud of course, that would be rude and presumptuous. But I love the idea of people taking you places and being extra nice to you and you know loving you long time.

This year I will be all by myself on my real birthday. Away from my friends and family and my cat. But I don’t know. It doesn’t exactly sound scary to me. It sounds exciting; adventurous. Maybe I’ll be travelling across the world’s biggest waterfall on my birthday. Maybe I’ll be at a boca juniors football game on my birthday. Maybe I’ll be tangoing on the cobble streets of Buenos Aires on my Birthday. Maybe I’ll be getting spa treatments and getting shitfaced in the hotel bar on my birthday. I don’t know exactly what I’ll be doing but I’m sure it will be fun.

And then when I get back I hope to celebrate over and over again with everyone I know and love.

Traiga en el 30s sucio!!!

Top Five Reasons I’d Rather Sleep with me Cat than HIM!

1. The cat may scratch my arms and legs in his sleep but at least he doesn’t burn my face with his three-day old beard or rip my hair out with his damn Mexican silver rings that he won’t even take off at bedtime.

2. The cats only wakes me up once at 7:30 am wanting to be fed, while he wakes me up intermittently to ask random questions about his latest article/story/upset feeling in his tummy.

3. When I wake up from a nightmare, the cat either runs away or stares up at me quizzically. I prefer that over the pseudo-Freudian mumbo-gumbo that makes the possibility of getting anymore sleep that night almost nil.

4. The cat likes to cuddles and then goes away to its own section of the bed, while he flops on top of it all and claims the bed like a conquering explorer ploughing over everything that was there before.

5. The cat may sniff at something funny but I have yet to hear him ask when was the last time I washed the sheets!


**DISCLAIMER** This is about no one in particular, more like an appropriation of many men exaggerated for effect! I love you long time!

Ravi's Birthday!

Ravi turned one year old today! And what a day it was. He went outside for the first time.  He wore a leash for the first time. He wore a dress for the first time. He growled at someone for the first time.  My little guy is growing up!!!

Where have all the curly-haired boys gone?

Is there a magical land that they trot off to after they hit their 27th birthday? Are they like the elusive unicorn that is often talked about but never seen? Do they slowly blow out rather than fade away into the obscurity that follows with lacklustre locks and receding hairlines.


It’s depressing really. To think that all curly haired boys begin shaving their heads or the wiggly pigment in their hair begins to unwind and straighten up with the pressures of adulthood and responsibilities. I mean curly-haired women keep kicking it way into their 50s, becoming free-spirited hippies or Soho artists or crazy ladies with many cats and wild, wavy hair.

I mean there is no lack of cute curly-haired babies:

Definitely, no lack in curly haired boys: ( I 3> you, Nick Jonas, and Corbin Bleu and Rupert Grint!)

Absolutely no lack of hot curly-haired guys: (OMG Brody Jenner, Adrien Grenier, Zach Mann, John Mayer, Eric Dane)

But where do they go when they hit 40 and above? They all seem to fade away. There are almost no over-40 actors in Hollywood with curly hair and none that I would consider good-looking. So what happens to them?

Where have all the curly-haired boys gone? Have they shorn their hair so short that you can barely see a single curlicue and taken up with a publicity hungry ex Top Model with an addiction to reality television a la Peter Brady?

Or have they all suffered a far worse fate becoming models for Halloween masks for crazy mad scientists?

The truth is out there.. keep the curlicues alive!

When I close my eyes I see ELECTRIC......

Okay, like I'm no scientist and not good at math and whenever someone says I am a genius or a brainiac it's usually because I added something wrong. But i think, sometimes at night, when I close my eyes, I can actually see my brain working. Like these electrodes passing through my eyelids to my brain. It's like all these different rainbow colours and they look like veins or something moving at light speed. It's crazy, right? Or is it? Everything has to go through your brain to happen. And things still happen even when you are asleep. Maybe I am seeing the signals that are sent to my brain telling me to go to sleep or to breathe or to make sure I locked the front door.
They go in all different directions but always up usually stopping at one or more dead-ends before heading off my eyelid path into my brain. Maybe it's like a lot of different signals that meet in my eyelids before travelling together to my brain.
And what makes these signals choose a certain colour? Like is Red an emergency? Or Code Blue? Or is it different for each person?

TV ate my brain and I loved it.........

You know how sometimes people try to act snobby like they are too important or have other cooler things to do than watch TV? I hate that. I could do things too, but I know they won't be as cheap or as interesting as watching TV. In fact, one of my favourite things to do these days is create watching TV drinking games.

Below are some current faves:

Drink everytime you see a commercial for MTV or MuchMusic on a different TV station.
Drink everytime Chad Michael Murray looks sad on the inside on One Tree Hill
Drink everytime any Ben Mulroney or Billy Bus or Ryan Seacrest -type pops up on the screen.
Drink everytime Lauren starts whining on The Hills.
Drink everytime someone cries on the Real World LoS Vegas Reunited
Drink Everytime I forget what's happening when we're watching some complicated CSI or Law & Order -type show.
Drink everytime we flip to MuchMusic and there isn't a music video playing.