Tuesday, January 27, 2009

The Art of Couple Walking

Okay maybe this is a mute point for you you old married types, but when you are dating someone or getting to know someone or whatever, finding the right couple walk is a a very slippery slope. There are many things to account for  the size of both practitioners, where you are walking ( a couple walk in the park could be very different from a couple walk on a busy downtown street), the speed with which you both walk.... 
 
It's complicated Business and sometimes if you pull yourself out of an awkward couple walk it can send the wrong message to your new and timid couple walking partner.  While you may just mean the break in union as a chance to see the new window display at She She Bags, he may take it as a silent reprimand against his claustrophobic clutch around your shoulders. 

So please men, take this a guide to what your subconscious declaration of your property or your innocuous display of affection can mean to women and how it can affect the all important factors of trying to keeping our bags on our shoulders or our jackets from falling down or our necks from developing serious kinks in an attempt to let you seem taller and shrinking into your arms. Women, please take this as a sign.  You are not alone.  You aren't the only one who finds these situations awkward and unreadable.  And if you have never gave this kind of thing a second thought: remember: I don't have a job right now! 


There is no walk more annoying than the backpocket jeans double walk.  Like why don't we just tie our ankles together and enter a potato sack race at the local Smith Family Reunion? Ugh! First of all, jeans fall down, easily. They fall down all the more easily when there is a hand in your pocket dragging them down. I'm all for a free feel in public, but please just give it a quick squeeze and then carry on to the destination.  Once at home, we can squeeze whatever until your hearts content, but walking like this makes me feel like a conjoined twin and the two arms always get smashed together and then on top of that you have to keep your steps in time.  It's weird.  I think after like grade 7, this type of walking needs to be outlawed except maybe if you're in a field of daisies or like maybe if you have had a big fight and are walking on the beach after making up.  Those are the only two circumstances, though!
I'm all for the arm over the shoulder walk.  It's cute.  It's comfortable.  There are a few issues though.  Like your bag. You can't really hold your bag on your shoulder in this couple walk. It'll fall down if it's any bigger than a notebook.  So then you have to hold your bag down at your side, which I find so annoying.  The bag loses its cuteness when its way down by your legs. Plus it's way easier for your bag to get snatched if it is down at your side instead of on your shoulder.  Also this walk is so cute and comfy but it does take up a lot of sidewalk space. Like if you are downtown, be prepared for  people to bump into you and give you angry looks because you are walking slow and taking up all the space. 
This is a variation of the arm over shoulder walk a.k.a the hug walk.  It's okay, I guess.   I feel like it's  such a drunk walk. Like the girl can't stand up so she's hanging off the guy to stumble into the car. It is definitely a very helpful walk when you are drunk, but when you're not.... not so much.  My arms are short, sometimes I can't reach that far around the guy and then it's like where should my hand go.... Backpocket? NO! This photo also illustrates the dangers of couplewalking when both practitioners are about the same height. She won't be able to lean into him for long or she'll get a huge hump on her back or a kink in her neck. 
I like the arm in arm walk.  It's comfy.  You don't have to be the same height or walk in time or anything.  Although I guess it looks a little formal but whatevs. I feel like this is a drunk walk also. More like a happy drunk walk before you have to be helped to the car at the end of the night. Although the more I think of it, it's not exactly a walking downtown walk.  It's more of a here I am making my entrance to the debutante ball walk.  Maybe that's why I like it so much. 
Oh hand-holding.  You are so cute.  You are so normal. Sure maybe a bit grade school but it's good nonetheless. It's cute for anyone from kids to grandparents. It lets people be different heights; walk at different speeds; not get in the way of people trying to get by downtown (unless you're one of those couples that makes people walk around you so you won't have to let go of your hands for even a few seconds and in that case.... you're lame). 

 Yes hand-holding, you are my favorite.  An oldie but a goodie. But that's just me. And every couple walking partnership is different.  So who knows what will happen next? 





Monday, January 26, 2009

Sometimes I hear you, Sometimes I don't

Okay, I feel like a self-absorbed tart saying this, but is there some kind of weird joke going on at our local Starbucks's? Is there some random drunk photo of me nabbed off facebook or flickr that has been posted in various coffeehouses with instructions for barristas to handle me with extra care and build me up with extraneous compliments?

I've been to Starbucks maybe like 6 times since I've been back ( I know, I know, a bit excessive considering I don't have a job, but whatevs... simple pleasures) and every time the barrista has given me some strange unwarranted compliment.  One guy called me beautiful, one guy said he loved my hair, one guy said i had a great smile. 

I was like OMFG is it that I am now this old maid that the young barristas feel they have to go out of their way to give me some random compliment for fear that I will go and fling myself off the nearest highrise with the remnants of a Grande non-fat sugar-free hazelnut extra hot latte clouding the crime scene and creating a PR nightmare for the Starbucks brass. 

I finally swallowed my apprehension over sounding like a) a conceited twat who wants everyone to know she once got six compliments in two weeks b) a hopelessly insecure dweeb who cannot even take a compliment easily c) a drone who cannot let a haphazard nicety go by without making into a total incident and asked my coffee cohort what she thought of this undeserved and unexpected occurrence. 

She said I was dumb.  She said that lots of people get random compliments from people; it's not like a marriage proposal or someone asking for your phone number. She said don't be dumb. She said I always get lots of compliments from strangers both at Starbucks and other places. She said you're being so dumb. She said I smile a lot and play with my hair. These are obvious things to compliment or make small talk about. She said I'm such a dummy. She says maybe in my old age my hearing is actually getting better and I am actually paying some attention to what's happening around me.  

She makes a lot of sense. But she calls me dumb a bit too much for my taste. 

Sunday, January 25, 2009

Vacation Coma...

I don't think I really understand how people have vacations properly.  Okay maybe I get it when you go off with your friends, family or loved ones and then you come back to reality and you share inside jokes about funny things that happened and random homeless people you met on random drunk nights.  

But I don't get it when you go off on your own and meet such cool people everywhere and have so much fun and then come back and no one knows what you are talking about and you have no job so you just kind of sit at home and surf the Internet and hang with your cat and think about what happened just two short weeks ago. 

It was fun. Yes.  That has been established.  But what now? Where now?  I mean I'm back from vacation but I'm not really back. I'm not at work. Not going out.  Barely talking on the phone.  I don't feel like myself. I feel like someone watching my old self.  It is really weird and I can't tell if it's the result of some big shift in my personality or just I am really bored and at wits end so I am making all this up in my head. 

I mean I've been sick.  And that has put a damper on things.  And I turned the big 3-0. But I'm not sure that is what it is.  As much as I try to surf for work and work on my writing I find myself browsing Expedia and TravelZoo.ca looking at cheap flights and daydreamingly planning trips. 

Obviously, this is not a good time to go anywhere.  My Dad is in India and I'm not sure if you've heard, but there's this thing called the economy and it's in the shiter and that means I should try and not live on credit and get a job. 

But I can't stop my daydreaming!